June 19, 2013

on breastfeeding

we're big boob people around here. 

this wasn't always the case as my husband is a bonafide legs and ass guy, and i have been longing for a boob reduction since i realized that having large breastses just makes you look fat. also, to not have to wear a bra sounds like my kind of heaven. cue james lipton: should heaven exist, what would you like to hear god say when you arrive at the pearly gates? 

"vicki, take off your bra."

but ever since they cut a little baby boy out of my lower abdomen, boobs have become super duper special and important. they are fun to suck on, to grab on, to lick on, to pinch on, to bite on (ouch!), to stare on, to jam into your mouth rather forcibly...on. and lately, they are even fun to cuddle and snuggle on. to which, i will really never tire of. if boobs are for baby snuggles, then i am a converted boob guy. 

even so, i have been decidedly wishy-washy on how i've felt about all this boob attention since the beginning and still here at 9 months, i can't make up my mind. do i love it? do i hate it? do i want to stop soon? continue forever? 

when we first started, it was, in a word, odd. these breasts that previously were only really enjoyed in the bedroom, and maybe the occasional bathroom or kitchen...were now being fully utilized by a little wee human. not a big man human. and it wasn't fun and tingly. it was awkward and painful. but it was also amazing and crazy and fulfilling and just, wow. 

so after surviving the first month with a case of lanolin and a lot of tears, i swore that three months would be my limit. i'd do it for a few more months to get his little body going and then i'd give it up and buy stock in infant formula. and then, i just kept going. for no particular reason, well, no wait, i'm lying.  it was mainly for convenience sake because it is so incredibly convenient, that nursing. free food on the go, anywhere! guaranteed baby whisperers, these boobs. and there is no denying that comes in handy all the time. 

so yes, i kept going because it was convenient but maybe also because i was starting to like it? i say this because when 5 months came around, i was officially hooked. i was like, "oh yeah, i'm doing this forever...or at least until he's a year old." and then, he got teeth. he bit me for the first time around 7 months. it happened twice that month and that, combined with some mild sleep regression (probably due to teething) made me change my tune and start thinking about weaning. we started giving him a lot more formula bottles during the day and even some at night before bedtime. 

looking back, i think this was to our benefit regardless of nursing decisions. it was then that he started falling asleep on his own - no boob or bottle necessary. and my body adjusted enough that i'm never really engorged anymore which, obvi, is much more comfortable. 

turns out though, that biting wasn't his bag because he didn't do it again and then i got over it and here we are, still nursing at 9 months and wouldn't you know it, i love it more than ever. i'm pretty sure i've cried watching him nurse at least twice this week. so either i'm pregnant (ha!) or i'm just finally realizing how beautiful and marvelous our bond is. i play with his hair, i sing him a song, i shush him and watch as his eyes close and he relaxes. he touches my face or grabs my chest and it's all fabulous. 

fabulous and dreamy. 

so dreamy that i'm not making any decisions about how long we'll keep this up. because like any good dream, i don't want it to end but waking up to a new day is lovely and exciting. so until a change comes, we'll both just keep on dreaming together and i'm totally ok with that. 

for now. 


  1. I am so excited to start breastfeeding but freaking out at the same time. Im hope my experience goes as well as yours has been....maybe minus the biting lol. When did you introduce bottles and do you pump? Hubs wants to feed her so bad and wants me to pump right away but Im gonna wait 3-4 weeks or until we are doing awesome with the boob.
    Loved this post btw.

  2. Vic, I am so happy you are genuinely loving breastfeeding. I loved it too....and I'm so glad you are experiencing this wonderful joy only we mothers truly understand. I love you and I love this post!

  3. Love this. I love reading your different phases through breastfeeding, and especially that you're giving yourself the grace to decide what's best for you at each step!

  4. Not gonna lie, the whole breastfeeding aspect of motherhood freaks me out more than labor. I'm not sure why but I'm afraid I won't be able to do it/won't enjoy it at all/want to stop every single time/my boobs will be all saggy and gross/I don't know. I'm glad to hear you're having such an all-around positive experience with it. Although, I read an article recently about a mom who was still breastfeeding her 5-year old daughter (as in, the kid would come home from kindergarten and ask for "mommy milk" and then be breastfed as an afternoon snack) and she basically was saying she kept doing it for very similar reasons - she (the mom) actually enjoyed it and as long as daughter asked for it, she was going to keep doing it!

  5. This was hilarious and precious all at once. I've heard so many wonderful things about breastfeeding, I definitely hope to do it when I have babies.

    Also, bras are my nemesis! I'm totally with you on that one!


  6. I love this! We had a hard time with breastfeeding, I had a low supply and had to supplement early, but I enjoyed every minute with my girl. At about 6.5 months I had to stop, and I remember crying. I was sad to lose the connection Ell and I had during that time.

    I'm proud of you! Keep it up. You are doing amazing!!

  7. Girl I am kind of nervous about breastfeeding! I definitely know I want to do it, but I'm also scared about it. I've definitely been trying to read up as much as I can!

  8. Vic, I love this! I was always so emotional nursing Donovan too. There's something so special about those moments when they're so tiny and peaceful. It goes way too fast and then breastfeeding comes to an end and you become empowered with all of the freedom that comes from no longer being their food source. I only have 2 1/2 years of experience with this mommy stuff, but I must say that for me, each and every "phase" is so wonderful and special for different reasons. So glad you're getting to experience it all with your River man. You're an amazing momma! And PS your hair on insta is fab!!!! So jealous of those locks of yours. xo

  9. you're a rockstar! it's amazing how fast it goes once it becomes easy. good job, mama!! xo

  10. you keep doing what is best for baby! great bonding time too!

  11. I can related to all of this!!! During the first EXCRUTIATING month I told myself I was only doing it for three months. But 3 months came and went, and now at five months I really enjoy the connection and the time spent with her. It really is SUCH a commitment. Especially for someone who still doesn't really like to nurse in public....

  12. I just loved this post. loved it.

  13. man I just love this post. I really hope that nursing works out for my next baby cause this pumping shit is for the birds. I wanted that bond SO badly with Ronin, and even though I'm thankful for the few successful sessions we had, I still really wish our breastfeeding relationship would have been better for us. I'm so excited that you love it though, and I know that it must be SO special for you to have that one of a kind bond with little Riv.

    also, please tell me you're pregnant. hahaha

  14. So so so insanely beautiful. Def tweeting this post to my followers because breastfeeding is so beautiful and natural and glorious. And this, "if boobs are for baby snuggles, then i am a converted boob guy. " is the best quote ever. LOVE this!!!

  15. Just found your blog via Amira's over at Shades of Gray. What a cute little bundle you have! I'm due at the end of the month, so excited for motherhood. Cheers!