February 17, 2011

the case of the missing heart

silence is golden.
even when you're getting married.

I haven't really had much to say about my getting married, about the planning, about the celebration. even now, after all has come and gone, I still don't have much to say...well, except that I'm glad it's over.

I am quite happy to be married. I love my husband and I love that my future is now our future. (um, ew. i'm not going to remove that line, but i seriously re-read that and thought: ew.) i love you, hank!
Love, even marriage, isn't my beef. It's the hullabaloo surrounding these things that makes me cringe. seriously, sitting here, typing and cringing.

Seeing friends and family, dressing up, posing for millions of photographs - ok, it's fun, I get that. But I'm still not completely sold on it's worth. It's odd, isn't it?

Why did I spend so much time stressing and worrying and specifying every last detail? All I wanted was to marry my best friend.

It almost makes me mad.
I almost feel regret.

It's so fleeting. All this build up for just one day, one jumbled mess of cloudy memories, one ball of anxiety hoping it all went as it should have, hoping everyone had as much fun as they wanted to have.

….

I'm having a culture crisis, trying to decide what it all means and really trying NOT to minimize everything to nothing, so that I can come up with some good reason to continue these rituals. buying a house, having kids, working, investing, decorating, working out, eating well, maintaining friendships, cleaning house, laughing, crying, etc. etc. etc.

I'm having a Sylvia Plath moment. 
But don't worry, I'm not a whiz with the oven. 

xo

3 comments:

  1. Does culture crisis mean what you think it means? Probably. I guess it doesn't mean what I think it means.

    I like the book the Bell Jar and feminism.

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  2. Don't worry. Deep down inside everyone knows that marriage is not about the wedding. Or about conventions. Maybe its worth can be found in the relief that it's over! Ahhhh, nice.

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  3. Totally understand. I think your feelings validate your decision to marry though - you want to be married, you don't just want to put on a pretty dress and have people take your picture. I know that I would've been okay with a courthouse wedding if, at the end of the day, I was married to my best friend. But the big party is fun :)
    p.s. your reception hair - whoa, envious over here.

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