January 12, 2010

miss vulnerable kicked my ass

the hank and I have been fighting a lot lately. and neither of us really understands why. we both love each other, we both would rather spend time with the other over anyone else, we both want the same things in life, we both...

when we fight, I, being of the dramatic sort, immediately say ridiculous things like, “FINE! let’s just break up then!” or “ugh, why don’t you move out and get a brand new life, without me!!” of course, what I really mean is please just come over here and hug me and tell me it will all be OK because I barely remember what we were fighting about and I just want us to be happy and carefree again.

he, however, is unfamiliar with this female dialect. no matter how many times I explain what he should do in these situations, how easy it is to snap me out of it, he still cannot act accordingly. he, instead, clams up and says nothing. absolutely nothing.

I ask you, is there ANYTHING more infuriating than complete, unexplained, irrefutable silence!?!!

It came to a head last night when he told me that he was “trying to figure things out” and that only one of us wants to get married. more than anything else in me, my stomach reacted. In addition to nausea, I felt compelled to say something to him. I wanted to show him that this was all wrong and that we were meant to be together and then i realized...

i couldn’t.

I could not get the words out of my mouth. I started crying, almost hysterically, because I had no clue what was happening. The words came to my mind, to my heart, to my entire being and I could not say them out loud, when it was so important that I be able to do exactly that.

Now, please know that I am NOT one to lose my words. Speaking, talking, expressing my feelings is usually as easy as breathing for me. I have never felt my throat choke back words. I have never started sweating and crying because of something I wanted to say but couldn’t. This experience was so new to me, it caused a major meltdown.

Luckily, the Hank loves a good meltdown and it turned out to be the best thing I could have done at that point. By the time I got the words “I don’t want to lose you” out of my mouth, he was already so open and ready to love me again that it wouldn’t have mattered if I hadn’t said anything. Thank the Hank.

I am happy this all happened because I think it brought us back to reality. And we’d been elsewhere for a while. But even more than that (as I’m sure we would have found our way back at some point) it opened my mind to some issues I may need to address.

Like I said, I can talk ‘til the fucking cows come home. I’ll make a lot of sense, I’ll seem completely open and uber “sharing is caring” but it seems I might be full of shit - because I am not comfortable being vulnerable. at all. Something so true for me would NOT pass my lips because I was afraid to admit that I needed him. I have never needed anyone (except maybe my mom) and I always thought that was a good thing, that I was so strong, so self-sufficient. Turns out, I’m a big fat coward and thanks to the hank and his patience, I made a tiny little step in the right direction. Maybe for the very first time...


  1. I don't think I've ever mentioned this, but this is one of my favorite posts you've written. Because, well...it's basically like you took the words straight from my mouth, but then wrote them better...
    Anyway. I felt this post needed a comment. :)

    (Aaannddd clearly, I'm uber busy working right now)

  2. I love this post!

    Yes I'm stalking your old posts and yes I realise you guys were fighting in order for this post to come into existence but the happy ending and the fact that this could've been written by me makes me love it.

    In a non-conceited type of way...

    I'm glad you and the Hank got married and created your mini-me. WELL DONE GUYS!